I don't feel like working on personal projects or do any coding outside of work. I do this stuff all day at my full-time job. Right now I don't feel motivated. In fact, I don't feel like doing much of anything. I just don't feel energetic.

I don't feel this way all the time. Most of the time. I do want to work on projects outside of work. I want to learn and research on my time off. I find it satisfying and important.

Then there's other times it's the last thing I want to do. It feels pointless and boring. I don't hate it but sometimes I just feel exhausted. This is usually because I'm working on some projects at work that are challenging and I just feel like I need a break.

I fight this lack of motivation by saying, "I can't be lazy". I need to push through it. I beat up and batter myself over it. This is just my nature. I've done this in other parts of my life: art and school. With art I did the same thing and would fight through it and just make make make. Never take a day off. Stay up late and get little sleep because I had to make or else I feel lazy or like I'll fail and get left behind. Don't get me wrong - it worked for a while. I did good in school. I made lots of art. I had shows and sold work.

Over time, know what happened? I just grew to hate what I was doing and quit making all together. I barely make art these days and when I do try, I feel frustrated. I just don't want to make anything even if I'm good at it. I don't get much enjoyment out of it right now. I can't seem to do it for fun because I made it into feeling like grunt-level work for so long. This is called burning out.

When it comes to coding, I don't want to do that. I still have that devil on my shoulder saying, "stop being a lazy bum" and it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I'm going to fail. I then generally feel worthless.

Right now, this is how I feel. This past week and weekend, coding outside of work seems like a chore. Thinking about it makes me feel tired. I still have that devil bullying me telling me I'm worthless if I don't work. The reality is, I just want to veg-out and watch YouTube or Netflix, read a little, or play games on my phone and nap. It's just my body and mind telling me I need rest but my neurotic side is saying, "What if this rest turns into never wanting to code again? What if you never finish that project? You're just being lazy and you're resting on your laurels and if this keeps up you'll fall behind and lose your job and become a bum.".

Lets be rational here. Catastrophizing this "break" into "I'll never work again and will become a bum who ends up homeless and along" doesn't do much good and is completely ridiculous. If I don't take breaks I'm going to burn out. I need to let myself take breaks and not feel guilty. I need to listen to my body, if I don't feel like doing something, don't do it. Do something else for a while. I'm not saying if I don't feel like going to work, or paying a bill, don't do it. There are some things I have to do in order to be a productive and responsible adult. However, I shouldn't feel obligated to be "on" 100% of the time. I need to stop being a dictator to myself. Take a break or else burn out.

Let this blog post be the most work I will do today. Now stop. Go do something else.