I'm not a developer. I have told myself this a million times. I think if you read the My Dev Journey post, that could give some guidance to why I may feel that way. I didn't go into being a developer by the normal and traditional route. I'm self taught and that give me doubts that I'm doing things the "right way". I often feel like I don't know as much as others. I'm sure that is true but I'm sure I also know more than some other people too.

A fear I have a lot is talking to other developers. I'm fearful of seeming like a noob, or claiming to know stuff I don't. I may say that I'm a developer but am I a "real" developer? I can admit that sometimes I'm scared of asking questions or scared of being wrong or not being able to solve a problem at work and being judged by others as "She doesn't know what she's doing. What an idiot." or wonder, "How on Earth did you get this job?".

The truth will come out. I'm stupid and don't know how to code. I somehow tricked everyone that interviewed me. I deviously said the right things and manipulated them. Maybe I'm an affirmative action hire to provide more diversity. Either way, at the core is that "I don't deserve what I have".

That is bullshit.

Still the thought creeps back into my head, "or maybe there is some truth to it and I don't know anything and I was a diversity hire and they put up with me despite being an idiot". In the end I just have to ignore those creeping thoughts and just do my job and not worry about it cause worrying about it doesn't help in any way.

The truth is that I can't control how anyone else thinks and if they do think negative of me then "screw them". All I can do is do my best and continue to learn. I will make mistakes. Those judging me will make mistakes too. Everyone makes errors.

Things to remember:

  1. I can't control how others feel. I can only control how I feel and how they feel is not my problem.
  2. I can just work on doing my best. Don't be lazy. Take pride in your work.
  3. You don't know everything and that is ok. Be open. Take criticism. Learn.
  4. Accept and acknowledge mistakes. It's ok to fail.
  5. Take notice and try to remember successes no matter how small they may seem.
  6. Baby steps are ok. As long as you work on the skill and practice, you will get better.
  7. If you didn't take a traditional route to being a developer, it doesn't mean you're less valuable. In a way you bring something else to the table they may not. You may see problems and solutions others may not see. Life experiences outside of programming/development/code do count and should count.

In the end. Yes, I am a developer.