Today I took the day off work. I'm writing this at a time where normally I'd be checking my help desk tickets, communicating with a client, working on adding some code or content or fixing something that is broken. Those are the many things I could be doing right now but instead, I took the day off. My boyfriend and I decorated the house for Halloween, went out for lunch and did some shopping (for Halloween decorations).
I've been having a garbage week. I made some mistakes and I was beating myself up over it. Then everything after that didn't go as I wanted it to, It made me angry, upset and I even started to hate my co-workers. Basically, it went like this. I made this mistake. I'm an idiot. I don't know anything. I don't know why I have this job. My coworkers probably think I'm dumb. Then by the end of the day, I need help with something so I ask. When the person is trying to help me, I'm getting snippy. I hate that this person doesn't seem to listen to me and is telling me I'm wrong. I get angry and I storm out and sit outside for a while. I stew. I feel angry. I'm crying. Gosh, this really snowballed into a heaping pile of drama.
I go home angry and sad. I just want to quit my job and give up. I feel small. I feel inferior. I just lay on the couch for a couple hours in tears, go for a walk in the dark neighborhood and eat a chili dog. Unhealthy food to feed my unhealthy feelings. I have no one to talk to and all I can do is listen to the "Negative Nancy" in my head telling me how crappy I am at my job.
I get up the next morning. I trudge into work. I immediately start crabbing about what's in my help desk queue. I'm venting over tickets I can't finish or feel like I'm not approaching correctly. I'm whining. I'm also avoiding some people. I'm trying to isolate myself. I just want to be done and go home.
So here I am. Mental health day. No work. Now, how does this help? I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to hit the reset button and come in more positive tomorrow. Maybe I should bring up my frustrations to my boss. Maybe I need to be less hard on myself. I should stop saying "maybe" and just do it because, yes, I need to do those things.
That all being said, I often feel inferior as a junior level developer. I feel like I can't speak up. I feel like I can't have ideas. I can't criticize or have opinions. I always have to be wrong. I have told myself to just be a sponge. Do what you're told. Keep your head down. Don't question. However, after a while, it's tiring. After a while, I feel like I'm being disrespected and not taken seriously. I feel like I'm being looked down upon.
I'm sure I'm not the only one that has felt this way as a "newbie". There's going to be those tough days that are failures. You have to remember there will be many more days where you do well. You solve problems. You make the client happy. You make the company money. You learn something. Overall, the good outweighs the bad. That's something you must remember.
So ditch "Negative Nancy". Tell her to go away. Learn some lessons and move forward. Just keep coding and growing and to hell with the people that don't believe in you or want to put you down. You've already come far and you can go further. You're resilient and tougher than you think.